You know what's nuts? I did fucking forget about it today. As soon as I woke up, I got ready and left to fill out job applications. My first walk in, I got an interview scheduled for tomorrow at 3:30! I also filled out an application at Starbucks cos that's how I roll. I got me a carmel frappachino! My Sally's over by my place is hiring. I'm going to call them here soon. Hair for the fucking win!

And mmmm. This frappachino sure is tastey!
Now I can have a Sidekick while travelling.

My dad watches a lot of TV.. mainly the news. He told me something funny today. This couple was on the roof fucking and they fell off naked. Hahaha.. keep that shit for the bedroom. Or the closet. Or the car.. something. But the roof? Get a porch made outside and put blankets up. No one wants to see that shit.

xoxo.

Maybe she's right. I've known her since I was in diapers.. she probably knows me better than I know myself, in some things. This is unhealthy. I remember promising myself that I'd never let this happen again. The Summer of '05 was supposed to be where I started anew. I don't know how it happened. I must've dropped my guard when least expecting it. I'm almost trapped again. At least I realize now before it's too late. I snapped back to reality when I went to a myspace and read things I wish I never have.

I really shouldn't worry about what's happening between those two. It's none of my business and I have no 'real' proof other than screen caps. By all means, I don't think someone would make something like that up but people are truly jealous. I don't blame them for being jealous (when it comes to the things I see in him). Just like everyone, I am sure there are some things hidden. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. Anyway, this is what I see: a strong individual who can overcome just about anything, a man who is looked up to by many; a role model. I see a man who grew up a mama's boy and was taught how to treat a woman (and most women want a man who can treat them with respect). He's a private man and isn't all about flaunting himself to the world. He doesn't "sell" himself. He's a grown up but can still be a kid a heart. Not to mention, he's got a BRAIN. He doesn't think with his penis head. The man is talented and has gone far. Last, but not least, he's got the looks. He's got the whole package. I am sure there's a lot of extra baggage that comes with that as well, but that's just what most people see. The perfect, ideal man.

A man like that deserves a woman with the same characteristic. Unfortunately, it's either one of the other. The man is a real shetbag to the lady. Or the hag is a real dirtbag to the gentalman.

Whatever happens between them happens. I have no right to judge, especially because I'm standing on the outside looking in. I've never had a real problem with her, either.. but now I read this bullshit and I no longer know what to think. But should I even be thinking? I wish I didn't. I wish I never read what I did. Things would be a lot better. Honestly, all I care about is that they're both equally happy with one another. As long as that's that, fine. Like I said, no one is perfect and whatever happened in the past (who cheated on who) should stay as the past. They've got each other now, so whatever.

But when it all boils down to it, there is ONE thing and ONE thing ONLY that should matter to us. "We" shouldn't get involved. "We" should have never even stuck our noses in a place it never belonged. Things would be a lot better and I'm afraid that in the end, this could ruin what we were trying to protect all along.

The most important thing.
Think about it. Music is the furthest it should've gone. That's all it is. We MUST leave it at that. Granted, I'm still upset but by tomorrow, I should forget. I will go out and live like I never read this. I will truly start anew. I will do what I should've done two years ago. I have my own life. We only get to live it once and I want to live it as I should. I'm tired of being stuck inside the house all day being online, talking to people I don't even know, and reading about shit that won't matter later. I want to do something with my life and tomorrow is the day to start.

Tomorrow I will cash my check and look for a second job. They got two new Starbucks in Grove City. I'm going to go apply. I hope I can get the job. I like their coffee. A second job = more travelling opportunity... which means meeting new people and building experience. That also means getting a car so I can drive myself to my internships. That means building a career and a foundation for my future. This is what I need more than anything.
With that, I will be able to afford to attend more shows (than that of just one band) and discover real talent. This, too, will guide me in the proper direction. So let it be done! I'm moving forward. Are you with me?

~~ Edit: While I'm bitching, I might as well add to it.

Hermit Crab.
I can't think of a better way to describe me. Like I stated above, I stay inside all day everday. What's worse, I never leave my bedroom. I stay online all day. I don't talk to anybody as much as I should. Asside from the rediculousness previously, I shut myself off from the world and for some odd reason, I truly feel like people are out to get me. I'm sure they're not and I'm trying to convince myself otherwise but it's hard. It's hard to battle with yourself, to fight your demons.. but it's got to be done. I've got to be honest with myself, and that's what I'm doing.

My sister Kim and my cousin Mindie came over today. I haven't seen them in over a year and I barely visited with them. I feel like a crap sister. A crap friend. And a crap family member in general. I don't like myself.. but hell. I don't think I ever have, to be honest. I've tried. I just hide it. People think I have so much confidence.. I just don't bitch and moan about it to my friends. I keep it to myself, or now, in my journal. So there you have it, the real me.
This isn't a cry out to the world, "Oh my life is so horrible!" and it isn't a cry out for attention. I couldn't give two shits and a fuck. I'm just ranting in my journal is all.

xoxo.

Hmm. I'm not sure what I plan on doing with this journal. I was honestly planning on it being for beauty tips, weight loss/management plan, and hair ideas. I suppose I could use it as a journal too. I have friends who use livejournal... I've just been too lazy to look them up.

Besides my plans for this journal, I kind of feel the need to write. I need to sort out these feelings that.. I want to listen to the Used. Hold up. OKay, there. Old skool. I'm Melting In Your Eyes. This song brings back so many memories. It was the start of anew. I have fond memories of this song. Music truly does play a very important role in my life and every major band I listen to, each song holds a story of it's own. It's what gives music it's own unique personality in my life. That's what I like about music. It doesn't have to identify with those who I talk to or with other people in the world. It means something to me. That's all that matters. That's the thing with music. It can mean one thing to you and another thing to someone else. Some people just don't understand that.

Jake. The reason why I wanted to write is that I was talking to my ex-boyfriend, Jake, of two years ago. I know, two years seems like a long time. I should've been over it already especially since we didn't date for very long. We didn't even know each other that well. I give him that much. He was right about that. Besides, it was his freshman year in high school. I don't even think he knew what he was doing in the relationship. That's my problem. I shouldn't have been dating freshman. But that didn't matter to me, I liked him.

I remember when we first hung out. He came over my house and we walked around to my local community park. I never get out of the house much... or go there for that matter. But we did. Then we watched Phantom of the Opera. I don't know. Maybe it was because he was intouch with his feelings (totally ignoring the 'emo' term here). He fucking cried during the movie. I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I always wanted somebody who wasn't afraid to show their feelings, even if it was considered to be 'pathetic'.

I realize that's the past. He's probably right. I mean, he knows himself better than I ever did. So, he's not the same person he was back then. It's cool; I want to get to know the person he is today. I think he's afraid of that. He's putting up this act or something.. like he's oh so tough. I don't think I believe it, but whatever. I could blame this on why we'll never be close, or why his past relationships never worked out. Then again, none of his relationships last very long. Ours didn't. We dated for what, two to three weeks?

Right. It's been two years and I'm still fretting over a relationship that didn't last very long. I don't know. I honestly think there was something about him. That, and I tend to fret over things that end so suddenly.. things that never had true meaning behind them. I honestly think that if it ended a different way, I would've been over it.

So this is how it happened. We were dating and there was so much drama around it. There were a lot of girls that wanted to be with him. He had options, as shallow as it may be.. he's was a boy! He's still a boy. All the bullshit that was going around about me, he was probably confused. I'm not really sure what was going through that boy's head.. but whatever was said to him was wrong. One of his major 'ideas' in his head was that I was dating him because he looked like the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. He knew that they were my favorite band. I had pictures all over my walls and I wore their t-shirts. But didn't most girls in those days? Whatever.

Besides that, most of his friends were my enemies. I was always really uptight about that but I never let it show. I was never one of those people that told their partners who they could and could not talk to. I let him do whatever he wanted. One day he went over to Tiffany's house and Brittany was there. I knew they both liked him. I don't know what happened that night. I just know that they went to a 1931 [local band] concert and I wasn't invited. I was chill. I understood it was a 'friend' thing.. or did I?

When he came back, we got into a huge argument over AIM. Personally, I think it was really stupid. He was bringing up all this stuff but all the things that he said were things everybody else was saying. I was only trying to emphasize how wrong they were. He didn't want to listen. You know, fine. I couldn't change what he had in his head even though I wish I was able to. We ended up breaking up.

Just as I had predicted, he ended up dating Brittany. I had this in mind before hand. This is exactly what I was trying to block out of my mind. I didn't want to keep him from going just because it was risky. But it happened. It would have happened anyway so it was meant to happen.

However, I'm just one of those kinds of people who like to have their point taken. I want people to understand what I'm saying but most of the time it doesn't happen that way. Cool. It's been that way all of my life. Why does it matter now? It shouldn't.

I'm just star-crossed. I tend to be in the middle of drama or in a lot of arguments. I think I have the curse of hurting those who are close to me. That's probably why I've lost touch with several people two years ago. Hell, I'm not going to blame this all on me but I didn't help. I tend to argue to get a point across. I don't always think I'm right. I just have a problem getting people to see things both ways. I try to see the issue from both sides of the argument but people don't want that. They just want to see it their way so it makes things that much harder. After it's all said and done, I just want someone to be there for me at the end of the day.

I don't think that I am stuck up and I certainly don't think that I am better than anybody else. I was never the type to think so. But let's be honest. I'm probably one of the most loyal, loving and trustworthy friends that you could ever have. I'm not sure how well I do as a lover, but I think I'm pretty good. I'm passionate about the things that I love and I never let anything get inbetween that. I've always been good to people, even to those who I don't care much about. I try to be equal to everybody. It seems that all the good people get trampled on. I could never figure that out.

Dale. I'm not sure how I feel about this kid. When I first met him, I was unsure about him. Typically when I make a judgement towards a person I'm right. For some reason I just never completely dropped him. I could have if I wanted to but I didn't. I think it's a like-hate thing. Like I said, I believe that I'm star-crossed. Whatever the reason, he's still around. I believe that he has good intentions but he has a problem showing them. He's fighting a lot of demons within himself.. and he's starting to see what I see in him, the bad things. I like that he's being honest about it. I think that's why he's still around... that he can be honest with himself. I think I see things in him that others don't. He seriously has potential. I'm not sure what it is yet but I'm slowly learning more and more about him as time goes by. I'm good at reading people but I think he's manipulative. That and he's build some type of 'shield' to protect himself from mankind. I did for a while and I see a lot of 'me' in him as far as that goes.

Anyway, he explains me.. almost completely well within one sentence. I just thought I'd share that with you.

Dale ~ "I think you're just missunderstood and there are few things you enjoy in your life and those that you do, you pour your heart and soul into them."
He didn't really mean that I like only a 'few' things. It's just a figure of speech. I'm sure you get it. :]

I haven't written in a while. I think I feel a little better. I'm just battling this Jake thing. Just like any other time, I'll get over it. It just comes back and bites me in the ass later. He disappears and then he messages me on myspace out of no where. Then it all comes flaunting back.

I have this same problem with Martin, another one of my ex's from two years ago. Maybe I'm stuck in a delimma. I secretly miss the past. I don't know. Why is it that I miss the kids that didn't treat me the way I should've be treated? I must like the hype or something. I'm not really sure.

Martin was a drama boy. I had to put up with a lot when I was with him.. and he wasn't exactly the brightest. He procrastinated on getting his G.E.D. His mom and I both had to push him into getting his tests done. He also used my best friend, Sarah, as a ranting buddy. She didn't even like him that much to begin with.. and some of the shit he said was about me. What he said wasn't too nice, and I remember he used to deny them. I knew who to trust.. even though Sarah was upset with me at the time. She wouldn't lie. Funny though. Martin still calls every once in a while. The last time he called he was kind of drunk. When he's drunk he's really honest. He told me the truth... yeah, after two years. I'm not sure what to think about him, really. I think I miss the way he smelled more than anything. I know, it sounds odd. Whatever.

You know what? I'd rather be single. It's a lot more funner. You can flirt and it's less to deal with. :]

Oh well. I just hope no one finds this. I don't want Sarah to know that I still miss Martin.. in an odd way. I don't want Dale to know that I kinda dislike him.. and I don't want Jake to know anything about me, really. It's okay. I don't think either of them know that I have a Livejournal. As far as Sarah knows, I had one in the past.. like she did, and that neither of us are currently using one. If she finds it, it's not a big deal really.. I just hate that admitted it and that it's out in the open. Oh well. It needed to be cited.

Good night. I mean, I'm not going to bed or anything.. but yeah.

xoxo.

I just created a new livejournal. I've down with livejournal since '01, I believe, and I just decided to come back. I'll need to learn the HTML to making nifty layouts and such, it's been a while. But I'll have everything up shortly. The main motive for my journal is to keep up-to-date with what my friends are up to and for the communities that I used to be apart of, and new ones to come. You'll see a lot of me in the near feature.

My journal will soon be friend's only. I'll put a post up about that later. But for now, I am going to join MadRadHair, my favorite community, and I'll be back later.

Myspace (everybody has it) - www.myspace.com/x_xdeadgirlx_x

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